Farewell to My Neighbor Nazi Board

It’s over.

I’m over.

I may not be free of their vile clutches (i.e.: another round of firetruck-impeding speed humps, “Dolly Partons” and impossible-for-Buick-drivers-to-navigate roundabouts destroying my family’s neighborhood of the past 59 years) entirely, but four years’ worth of interminable monthly meetings surrounded by national socialist nesting creatures ended tonight.  In fact, it almost ended on a high note — if there is such a thing in Neighbor Nazi terms, that is.

When it was announced I would be leaving the board at the annual meeting tonight, the visible smiles were as broad as the minds expressing them are narrow.  Because I had already been the lone “Nay” in four different vocal votes tonight, I actually thought it amusing when Frau Himmler, my neighborhood association’s president, presented me with a “TOOLS $2.00 you” (that’s really the company’s name and precisely how it’s written) “6in JUNIOR HACKSAW WITH/EXTRA BLADE” (no kidding, that’s exactly how it’s labeled on the packaging, complete with the forward slash following the entire word “WITH” to show that it was written by a public school graduate) saying that it represented “my continuing wanting to cut through the bureaucracy” as she told everyone I was resigning my seat.  Um, yeah… Saw the heads off of meddling fascists who think I should pay for other people’s vehicular misdeeds even though I ALWAYS drive the speed limit and ALWAYS stop at stop signs in neighborhoods, maybe, but at least she knew I wanted to violently hack through something.  That said, I immediately asked to address the standing-room-only crowd so I could could express my gratitude to the board.


I really, really did say it that politely.

I stood, turned to the crowd (and my fellow board members) and explained that, were any of the attendees to subpoena the minutes of every meeting during the course of my entire time on the board, people would note that there only seemed to be ONE “Nay” vote out of fifteen whenever there was a non-unanimous vote on non-trivial issues that would affect the life, liberty and property of those who reside in the neighborhood; reinforcing my statement by tersely declaring that I know it to be an immoral act to EVER attempt to deny anyone’s right to live their own life, enjoy their liberty or exploit their own property in any way they saw fit as long as it didn’t deny me of MY right to my own life, liberty or property.  I then explained that I only joined the board as an act of self-defense, not to coerce or steal from others, and that my “No” votes didn’t represent my acting contrary for the mere sake of being contrary.  I voted the way I did to protect myself from that which I find abhorrent to every American value this nation once held dear.

In the span of perhaps one minute (absolutely no more than that), I could see the stares of shock and disbelief (not unexpected in an age where Americans glibly embrace fascism because they voted to install a warm and fuzzy Hitler who possesses all of the cuddly attributes of a child-molesting uncle while maintaining an aura of messianic virtue), so I decided to close the deal by stating the following:

“And I would like to thank Ruth and the board for treating me with respect and courtesy throughout my tenure being the board’s lone no vote all these years, and that I sincerely appreciate the gift of the hacksaw.”

Wait for it…

“And I also wanted to say that it had been my intention to buy each and every member of the board a gift worthy of any well-respected head of state, but, because I’m more intelligent than an ice cube and realized the White House had already bought up all the 25 DVD gift packs and iPods in the country — I didn’t get anyone anything.”

…and sat back down.

To put it mildly, the room was not amused.

Now… Here’s where it gets weird… Almost flattering, really…

Within minutes of my nasty oratory, the board was asked to vote in some new volunteers to be on the board and serve a two-year term.  Two wives submitted their absent spouses’ names, and the board voted unanimously (what else?) to accept them as new directors.  Then, another male voice came from somewhere behind me and said that, after hearing what he’d heard(?) tonight, he, too, would like to serve on the board.  When the vote was called for his admittance to the board, the room — again — voice voted “Aye” in unison.  As the “Nays” were called, the same man who wanted to be on the board firmly declared, “NAY!”

With my back to him the entire time, I extended my arms and put both thumbs up over my head, loudly pronouncing that there was still hope for reason, liberty and personal responsibility.

Do I think this changes a thing?

Not at all, but it was nice to see that there are still those of us out there who would rather stand divided than kneel united.

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