Category Archives: AutomoPhil

Your Federally Stolen Earnings: What Ford AIN’T Powered By

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Two different AAD (“American Automotive Debacle”) postings on two different listserves in one day inspired more than a short response on the part of yours truly, so I figured I’d share ‘em on this sad and lonely blog.

Enjoy…
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> The emotional part of me still hates Ford for their “it’s my mountain” ad campaign of a bunch of years ago.

Oh, well… At least you weren’t forced to pay to make it “your” mountain.

Not to worry, though. Lord Barry owns the UAW outright, so I’m sure it won’t be long until Ford dies on the now profitable comeback trail, too.

The Chinese are absolutely desperate to buy Ford (now the world’s FOURTH largest manufacturer, behind Guv’ment Motors, Toyota and the Hyundai Motor Group (which includes Kia) because Ford is the only American auto manufacturer NOT owned by the Fed — meaning they’re the only one worth purchasing. It was rather doubtful the deal would include Volvo from the start (especially since Ford sold Volvo to the Chinese to raise desperately needed capital), but it sure as hell would encompass Mazda. It’s even been rumored that Ford would sell the Mercury name (a very limited model line) to the Chinese, as that particular line has been exclusively considered “woman’s market” for over a decade, and women tend to not follow the “who owns what?” trends in their buying decisions. Lincoln’s fate, however, may not be so grim, as Ford has made it known to the automotive press that Lincoln is currently shifting to position itself as the ONLY American luxury line not part of the fascist monopolies in Michigan and Italy.

Still, I believe I am more saddened by the loss of the American auto industry than I am about any other single facet of our having become a fascist nation. To think that, just a few short years ago, we had once again become the world standard bearer in quality and product diversity, and now… And now they’re considered a leper colony with quality products known to but a fraction of the dirt-eating-stupid American consumer. The funniest inside joke (aka: “Fuck you!”) in automotive advertising of late is the Ford Taurus SHO ads where the announcer actually pronounces it the “Ford SHOW” rather than the individual letters “S” “H” “O” — standing for “Super High Output” back in the ’80s when the 5-speed manual, 220 horse, Yamaha-built DOHC V-6 Taurus SHO was actually FASTER (not quicker, but nearly 20mph FASTER due to its slipperier body shape) than a Mustang GT. Insiders always used to refer to the SHO as the “Show” but it was NEVER referred to that way in any verbal advertising. Now it would seem Ford is selling their new 355hp/26mpg sedan to HONEST-TO-GOODNESS REAL CAR PEOPLE rather than mass marketing it to Camry-buying dullards.

Oh, well…

…It’s good to know all of our RWD Cadillacs are still Opels, our Malibus and comparable Buicks are still Vauxhalls, and all our shitbox-sized Chevy Whatevers are still Suzukis; so be proud to be an American who owns every last one of these fine, fine AMERICAN cars! I mean, at least you didn’t buy that wanna-be American military vehicle known as the Hummer, because the Communist Chinese are now building them for Moms, Pops and our Fighting Men and Women sent into harm’s way going up against RPG-7s…

…built by those same Communist Chinese and then sold to the West’s OTHER mortal enemies.

Just don’t get me started on Chrysler’s unique take on re-fighting WW-II with their Italian owned German sedans powered by Japanese engines reforming the Triple Axis on four wheels — sold in large part to inbred Republican morons screaming “Buy American!” in a state where they elected an Austrian governor.

I’m certain Rod Serling is glad he’s dead so he doesn’t have to attempt to air something that keeps being rewritten by our goddamned government every single day.

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Then came this exchange that chose a curious metaphor to describe a restaurant critique that started out comparing Kias to Aston-Martins and concluded as follows:
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> But comparing it to Yoshimatsu or Bob Dobbs or any one of a zillion casual barbecue joints (or the Miller’s Pub on Wabash or the Ferris Wheel on State Street, for the fellow ex-Chicagoans on the list!) is fair, as fair as criticizing a Kia for not being a Hyundai.


Honest, I do get the joke, but this thread has magically provided me with the latest happy-fun-time opportunity to explain why 99.9779052% of Americans should not be allowed to even look at an automobile, much less purchase one.

It’s reason why they ran out to buy a Toyota Matrix, because they absolutely knew a Toyota is way better than any American car…

…Like, say, a Pontiac Vibe that cost around $1700.00 less.

Of course, when there still was a Pontiac, Pontiac built the Toyota Matrix — in Canada — alongside the identical Vibe, as the last vestige of the GM/Toyota product development partnership dating back to the ’80s known as NUMMI.

Oh, yeah, and I sincerely agree it wouldn’t be perfectly fair to criticize a Kia for not being an Aston-Martin — or a Hyundai…

…Well, were Kia not recently “re-majority” owned by Hyundai, that is.

Auf wiedersehen,
Ciao,
Sayonara,
Moi

PS: And I don’t care if he went up against the Church of Scientology (of which he was a former member). I still want “Sham-Wow Vince” to die a truly horrible death for being annoying.
PPS: I do realize a lot of you are thinking the same thing about me at this very moment.
PPPS: I also realize an even greater number are actually mumbling (in your best Gary Cooper), “But I don’t think of you.”
PPPPS: Also, until recently, Ford owned Aston-Martin (and actually made them functioning automobiles again, as they did with Jaguar), but they sold A-M off (as they did with Jag and Land Rover) to avoid becoming insolvent (you know, like the Free Market normally dictated before America became utterly ecstatic with fascism), retaining only Mazda and Volvo as their joint development overseas’ marques after the big cash quest.
PPPPPS: And, finally, as long as we’re talking non-Guv’ment Motors, the shit box Ford Aspire (known to automotive writers as the Ford “Perspire” due to its inability to match freeway speeds when merging from an on ramp) was, in fact, built by Kia…

…back when Ford owned Kia.

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No Flavor-Aid Required: The Hitler Analogy

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What most public school “educated” Americans fail to comprehend is that fascism doesn’t automatically equal dead Jews.

It certainly didn’t in Italy, where Mussolini openly had Jews and homosexuals and gypsies and whathaveyou in his own administration.  Fascism is simply a system of government where “private” ownership of industry is given appropriate lip service after said industry has been nationalized; its means of production, hiring practices, distribution and marketplace 100% controlled by the State.  In point of fact, fascism is to the left of communism on the linear political scale, because the “promise” of communism (never once realized in its actual application, of course) was an equal distribution of wealth rather than the government protecting its chosen corporate few.  In a glorious twist of fascist fate, the inherent favoritism of non-competition in a free marketplace is why Oskar Schindler was able to amass the fortune he did to purchase the lives of so many slaves toiling for the Nazi war machine.

That said, fascism is now America’s system of government because its most fervent supporters have been told the actual term “fascist” only equates specifically to to Hitler, not to his National Socialist movement — Nazism.  Thus, the “revelation” the word has no literal meaning when spoken by anyone not “chosen” to regurgitate the government’s NewSpeak propaganda has become reality to the talking monkeys (the whole of the undereducated American electorate) — a “reality” utterly unsupported by fact.  And, like the Germans and Italians did after they elected their own lower case messiahs, they intellectually and physically defended them tooth and nail until an outside threat to their respective dictators’ powers proved too much to bear; meaning they feared an impending purge upon their armies’ defeat.  But then, hell, hardly any damage at all had been done in the meantime time, right?  No biggie.

And what’s a few eugenicists and racists in an administration modeling itself on the aforementioned system, anyway?

I guess “never again” then doesn’t necessarily translate to “never again” now, especially when everyone’s so happy about not having to operate on a system of constant self-loathing anymore… Except, of course, when it comes to “saving” the planet.  That’s one self-hating hurdle no devoted national socialist can avoid anytime soon, because it’s just sooo cool to be seen in a Prius here in North America — even though its multi-continent mining, transport and construction has the exact same environmental impact as building THREE Challenger II Main Battle Tanks (sans depleted uranium ammunition, naturally).  Remember, it’s the perception of the thought that counts, not its cogency!

Besides, it’s probably just me who doesn’t fully appreciate or comprehend what appears to be such a game-changing victory for social engineering justice.

I’m sure I’ll come around.

I’ll be buying my bread using a wheelbarrow full of devalued currency when I finally do, but I’m sure I’ll come around.

I’m just thrilled that “La-La-La-La-La-La, I’m Not Listening!” is so much easier to sing than our former national anthem.

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Farewell to My Neighbor Nazi Board

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It’s over.

I’m over.

I may not be free of their vile clutches (i.e.: another round of firetruck-impeding speed humps, “Dolly Partons” and impossible-for-Buick-drivers-to-navigate roundabouts destroying my family’s neighborhood of the past 59 years) entirely, but four years’ worth of interminable monthly meetings surrounded by national socialist nesting creatures ended tonight.  In fact, it almost ended on a high note — if there is such a thing in Neighbor Nazi terms, that is.

When it was announced I would be leaving the board at the annual meeting tonight, the visible smiles were as broad as the minds expressing them are narrow.  Because I had already been the lone “Nay” in four different vocal votes tonight, I actually thought it amusing when Frau Himmler, my neighborhood association’s president, presented me with a “TOOLS $2.00 you” (that’s really the company’s name and precisely how it’s written) “6in JUNIOR HACKSAW WITH/EXTRA BLADE” (no kidding, that’s exactly how it’s labeled on the packaging, complete with the forward slash following the entire word “WITH” to show that it was written by a public school graduate) saying that it represented “my continuing wanting to cut through the bureaucracy” as she told everyone I was resigning my seat.  Um, yeah… Saw the heads off of meddling fascists who think I should pay for other people’s vehicular misdeeds even though I ALWAYS drive the speed limit and ALWAYS stop at stop signs in neighborhoods, maybe, but at least she knew I wanted to violently hack through something.  That said, I immediately asked to address the standing-room-only crowd so I could could express my gratitude to the board.

Yes.

I really, really did say it that politely.

I stood, turned to the crowd (and my fellow board members) and explained that, were any of the attendees to subpoena the minutes of every meeting during the course of my entire time on the board, people would note that there only seemed to be ONE “Nay” vote out of fifteen whenever there was a non-unanimous vote on non-trivial issues that would affect the life, liberty and property of those who reside in the neighborhood; reinforcing my statement by tersely declaring that I know it to be an immoral act to EVER attempt to deny anyone’s right to live their own life, enjoy their liberty or exploit their own property in any way they saw fit as long as it didn’t deny me of MY right to my own life, liberty or property.  I then explained that I only joined the board as an act of self-defense, not to coerce or steal from others, and that my “No” votes didn’t represent my acting contrary for the mere sake of being contrary.  I voted the way I did to protect myself from that which I find abhorrent to every American value this nation once held dear.

In the span of perhaps one minute (absolutely no more than that), I could see the stares of shock and disbelief (not unexpected in an age where Americans glibly embrace fascism because they voted to install a warm and fuzzy Hitler who possesses all of the cuddly attributes of a child-molesting uncle while maintaining an aura of messianic virtue), so I decided to close the deal by stating the following:

“And I would like to thank Ruth and the board for treating me with respect and courtesy throughout my tenure being the board’s lone no vote all these years, and that I sincerely appreciate the gift of the hacksaw.”

– Wait for it…

“And I also wanted to say that it had been my intention to buy each and every member of the board a gift worthy of any well-respected head of state, but, because I’m more intelligent than an ice cube and realized the White House had already bought up all the 25 DVD gift packs and iPods in the country — I didn’t get anyone anything.”

…and sat back down.

To put it mildly, the room was not amused.

Now… Here’s where it gets weird… Almost flattering, really…

Within minutes of my nasty oratory, the board was asked to vote in some new volunteers to be on the board and serve a two-year term.  Two wives submitted their absent spouses’ names, and the board voted unanimously (what else?) to accept them as new directors.  Then, another male voice came from somewhere behind me and said that, after hearing what he’d heard(?) tonight, he, too, would like to serve on the board.  When the vote was called for his admittance to the board, the room — again — voice voted “Aye” in unison.  As the “Nays” were called, the same man who wanted to be on the board firmly declared, “NAY!”

With my back to him the entire time, I extended my arms and put both thumbs up over my head, loudly pronouncing that there was still hope for reason, liberty and personal responsibility.

Do I think this changes a thing?

Not at all, but it was nice to see that there are still those of us out there who would rather stand divided than kneel united.