“What Porno Would Have Us Believe”
(…And what the truth behind the Adult Industry Myth really is.)
Writing for GoPostal.com, I get a lot of e-mail. I get rants. I get raves. I get pictures (though, not enough dirty ones for my taste). I get story subject submissions. But, over any one category of e-mail I receive, I get jokes. Most of the people who offer their version of “humor” wouldn’t know funny if it crawled up their rectal hamster hammocks and built a campfire, but the ones who annoy me the most are the ones who appear to be posing a question to yours truly even if they’re simply forwarding a joke that’s been floating around the Net for eleven months.
Therefore, as a public service to those people who don’t think I read their e-mails (because I can’t be bothered to respond to most of the lame shit these goobers send me), I will, for the first time, publicly display an actual response to one e-mail I thought had some merit in its subject matter. I do this as a service to my fellow man, because, after all, it’s for the children.
The subject?
Thirty things porno producers would have us believe…
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
Actually, this isn’t a production nod to a particular fetish, but an absolute necessity when working on a soundstage (or cheap hotel room – if your tastes run to pseudo-amateur flicks) as the floors are invariably filthy and nobody wants to see nasty, blackened soles on an otherwise stunning (or merely fuckable) starlet’s tootsies.
2. Men are never impotent.
But a career in the Adult Industry – even for only a year or two – invariably leaves the male stars incapable of ejaculating without the use of a hand (be it theirs or a woman’s) because they are so in tune with the “don’t cum until instructed” mindset essential over a two to six-hour shoot. Yes – that’s what it takes to film a basic eleven-minute “commercial shot” (the term used to denote the actual sex scenes) in a reasonably professional video. I have seen a dozen or so interviews with well-known male stars who claim their “regular” sex lives have been ruined by doing films, as they are unable to ejaculate in a woman’s vagina because it doesn’t provide sufficient frictional tension.
3. When going down on a woman ten seconds is more than satisfactory.
Well, it’s satisfactory for most men’s viewing pleasure, but your point is well taken.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
I have never walked in on a strange woman masturbating (the operative word here is: “strange”), but I have stumbled into the land of “Batteries and Honey” on more than one occasion and I can tell that I was, indeed, asked to “stick around” for the pay-off.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
It’s interesting that women under the age of, oh, thirty or so, have come to accept the idea of facials (as they’re known) being a normal male-dominance trait since Adult Films became such an enormous part of the cultural lexicon over the past decade-and-a-half. Even college campus surveys conducted by professional researchers have confirmed that women are quite nonchalant about this external ejaculatory behavior by men – although I’ve never read of a legitimate survey by anyone dealing with the “facial” question.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
Yes, yes they do. They’d better, goddamnit! I AM that living demographic!!
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
Of course, this could be interpreted in one of several different ways in the real world:
1) She might actually be enjoying pleasing her lover
2) She might be enjoying what she’s doing to herself with her free hand
3) She’s verbally expressing disappointment with the object of her preoccupation
4) She’d rather be singing in the rain
5) She thinks your cock tastes/smells bad
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
Fortunately, the Adult Industry – films in particular – has weaned experienced couples from this bizarre notion championed in dime novels and romance series. Women will cum when they’re damn good and ready; not before. The entire Adult Film genre revolves around this one simple tenet:
The Male Orgasm is the single most important event in human history.
Even if the cable version of an adult flick shows lots of “shared moments” in the orgasm department, rest assured that filmed erotica does not perpetuate this myth.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding fine.
And your point would be…?
10. All women are noisy fucks.
This is, without doubt, the single most grotesquely exaggerated phenomenon in Adult Film. I have had my share of moaners, panters, talkers, whisperers, weepers and dead lays, but I have never had a “screamer” whom I could trust was actually enjoying the moment as much as her idiotic vocalizations would have me believe. Of course, I’m not so stupid to think I haven’t been fooled by any of the aforementioned “real” emotional outburst categories, but I have a penchant for gals who cry or whisper (a phenomena of my “D&s” category lovers) and do believe that they’re more “sincere” in their vocal expressions of appreciation. Then again, I sincerely believe that the only HONEST, completely uninhibited fuck I’ve ever experienced was with a deaf girl I was dating for a while. Why? She couldn’t hear what she sounded like, nor had she ever heard a fuck flick’s starlet du jour carrying on like a rabid banshee. What you’re hearing is exactly what you’re getting with a deaf partner. I highly recommend the experience.
11. People in the 70′s couldn’t fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
You’re missing the point… The guitar solo is there to get your mind off the untrimmed jungle bush that’s the 70’s feminine biological equivalent to the density of a Quantum Singularity (aka: a “Black Hole”).
12. Those tits are real.
…Another major point of contention within the Industry. The prevalence of breast implants (be they bad or good) in Adult Films is such a running joke that the once common question, “Is she real or fixed?” asked by casting directors has taken a back seat to the current sub-genre of “Natural” videos. Fake tits are on the outs with audiences, but breast surgeries are on the rise throughout the business. It’s an interesting paradox. As for me, give me an unaltered A-Cup over a “tagged and bagged” Double-D any day.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.
I wouldn’t know, because mine’s either at full attention or has packed up and left home by the time I’ve been presented with a naked girl butt upon which I could tap out a gludial SOS.
14. Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they cum.
Because I’m usually by myself when the opportunity for comment arises, I rarely feel the desire to punctuate the moment with anything other than a cursory, “Oh… Hello, officer!” when I’m parked in the car.
15. If there is two of them they “high five” each other (and the girl isn’t disgusted!).
Each time that opportunity presented itself, I was observing the time-honored “I’m not even going to acknowledge your existence” Male vs. Male Coital Force Field you’ve heard so much about in older episodes of Star Trek and the like.
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
In the Adult Industry, the ability (and/or desire) to do “DP” is considered a major selling point as far as female stars go, because “Anal” alone is a given if you want to get any work outside of the select few gals who’ll only work Girl-Girl. My question is, though, “Who asks the men if they want to do it?” I mean, is this something you’d sign up for? Seriously, I can’t recall the last time I approached a friend and asked him if he’d like to have me sit astride his girlfriend and let my balls slap him in the nuts while he screws her from below, ya know what I mean?
17. Asian men don’t exist.
Well, I have it on good authority that their penises might not exist, but…
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.
Because of a local “No Guns in the Parks” (sans CCW permit) ordinance, I tend to shy away from such situations, so I wouldn’t know. It’s just too difficult to adopt a Weaver Stance while one is receiving a hummer.
19. There’s a plot.
After watching innumerable films over the years, I have found that the lack of a cogent plot is the single greatest selling point in my personal selection of any adult movie.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
Known as “Who’s Driving the Bus” in the biz, this is not such a far-fetched application of traditional male dominance in the sack. Although it’s used as a “steering cue” on the set at times, it’s mostly a nod to male insecurity in an “I’m still back here!” kind of way.
21. Nurses suck patients’ cocks.
No, nurses catheterize patients’ cocks. They don’t seem to care that sucking would be better appreciated by the bedridden male patient. It’s a truly depressing sign of the poor state of hospital care in this country, if you ask me.
22. Men always pull out.
Considering men are so grotesquely underpaid in Adult Films – making perhaps $500 (at best) per commercial shot – I wonder why they make the effort to provide a Money Shot in the first place. This controversy was laid to rest (no pun intended) a long time ago. Audiences (at the time, predominantly male) would pan a movie if it didn’t have a visually compelling pay-off in scenes with male participation. This doesn’t explain why men are so damn happy at women faking (most of the time, that is) orgasms in Girl-Girl scenes, though, so…
Then again, if Peter North (known as The Decorator in the Industry) DIDN’T stop to pull out during one of his scenes, I think Western Civilization would utterly collapse.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
I would be doing a disservice to the readers if I didn’t at least mention the fact that you should never refuse “service” from a willing girlfriend, because good things can happen in the real world. Not that I’d ever do that to you, Honey, but…
24. Women never have headaches… or periods.
That’s a feature of Adult Films that should be required viewing for ALL public schools in America. Hey, if they’re not going to learn how to read and write, the least our tax dollars can do for them is to teach them not to bitch and whine.
25. When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to remind her to “suck it.”
Men know women have short attention spans for such detail work, so we’re only being polite by reminding them to keep their eye on the ball.
26. Assholes are clean.
In the Adult Industry, this is absolutely, 100% TRUE. Anal hygiene is a fact of life in a business where a shit-covered cock or frowning post-rim-job face will never make it through the final edit. Not only that, but once word gets around that so-and-so doesn’t perform a pre-shoot enema (or high-pressure rectal douche) on herself before a scheduled shoot, that gal (and I’d assume guys, too) becomes a performance outcast. I once heard an interview with porn legend John Leslie where he was asked the question, “What do you find most attractive about a woman with whom you’re about to have sex on film?” Leslie didn’t hesitate for a second in his response, uttering only one word: “Hygiene.”
27. A man ejaculating on a woman’s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
See the response to Question 20 for further illumination on this subject.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find a cock there.
Well, let’s think about that one for a moment. I mean, when was the last time you saw this scene played out in an Adult Film where the woman didn’t have reason to look somewhat surprised to find a cock that, when limp, was still three or four inches longer than the last erect one she’s seen in her personal relationships?
29. Men don’t have to beg.
Real men carry guns. We don’t have to beg. — Okay, real men still have to beg, but we’d still like to think we’re calling the shots.
And finally…
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly on his hip.
I believe you’re thinking of that famous painting of Columbus discovering the New World – or was that Leif Eriksson getting a hummer on his long ship? I get the two confused, too.
Thank you for your time and kind attention.
Sincerely,
The Blank
***
“Well, the world needs ditch-diggers, too.”
— Ted Knight in Caddyshack
