by Kaz Kozalak
Star Date… I have no freakin’ idea what the Star Date is. There
are some people around that can do the conversion from this date to
a Star Date. They could be lurking anywhere – like in your neighborhood like
sex offenders – except there is no public registry for you to find out and
steer clear of these people.
A good tip-off to the “I’ve Substituted A Real Life For Star Trek”
person is the wearing of the Federation Starfleet uniform in totally inappropriate
places. During the Clintons’ Whitewater grand jury, a woman insisted that
she wear her Federation Starfleet uniform to court. What’s worse is that
the judge allowed this. Maybe the judge was a closet Trekker. All I
know is that if I got jury duty, I was planning to wear a Federation Starfleet
uniform into court in order to be excused from jury duty. I’ll have
to re-tool that plan now. Damn.
If you’ve seen people who’ve Substituted A Real Life For Star Trek,
a common explanation is that Star Trek represents a “more peaceful and civilized
world” or words to that effect. I guess that they have been watching a whole
other Star Trek than I have. There is hardly a TV episode, and definitely
no Star Trek movie, when massive amounts of weaponry aren’t unleashed. People
may cry out for peace, but there is no peace.
I don’t know how many times the Enterprise has been damaged
or totally wrecked. The name Enterprise on a ship has a worse safety
record than ships named Titanic. In the latest movie Star Trek:
Nemesis, the Enterprise is up to replacement F. I’m pretty
sure it was F. So this is the F’n Enterprise. Once again, the Enterprise
is damaged so badly in a space demolition derby that it is almost but not
quite totally wrecked.
I wonder how much this regular wreckage is costing the Federation?
Answer: It’s not costing them anything. Gothcha! In the Star Trek Universe,
the need for money has been abolished and conquered. How this got to be is
never explained. Just have faith. So the Enterprise can be wrecked
forever and it doesn’t cost anything! When cars come equipped with that option,
I’ll go get me a Ferrari.
In Star Trek: Nemesis, there is a long countdown before
a massive weapon is activated. This the same climax that happened in Star
Trek: Insurrection, Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan and Star
Trek: Generations. There may be more but I have not Substituted My Real
Life For Star Trek. I’ve Substituted My Real Life For The Sopranos. The
need for money in the Sopranos’ Universe has not been abolished. Let’s hear
it for Tony. The common thread between Star Trek and The Sopranos is plenty
of killings. Actually, the body count in Star Trek is massively higher than
The Sopranos could ever dream of.
The only substantive difference between Captain Kirk, Captain Picard
and Tony Soprano is that Tony Soprano has to pay the tolls on the New Jersey
Tony still needs money, remember? Well, maybe that’s not the only
difference. Captain Kirk and Captain Picard get to wear spiffy uniforms.
Tony gets to wear a bathrobe.
If you think Star Trek is the only movie that has had a
climax waiting for a massive weapon to be deployed with a countdown going
on before the bad guy gets killed, well… You’d be wrong.
This has been the climax of numerous James Bond movies. Maybe it
was in all the James Bond movies. I sort of gave up on James Bond a long
time ago due to repetition of story themes. This certainly was the scenario
in You Only Live Twice. I could swear the voice doing the countdown
in Star Trek: Nemesis is the same voice as in You Only Live Twice.
This was also the same scenario in Goldfinger except there was no
voice, just a digital display, and the bad guy gets killed after the bomb
is diffused. I think in Goldfinger there were three seconds left before
the bomb went off. [It was actually 7 – as in “007” – but who’s counting?
– The Blank] In Star Trek: Nemesis there are two seconds
left. That extra one second was really worth the price of admission. But I
didn’t pay admission. I rented it at home on DVD. Take that, Hollywood!
Neither the James Bond movies nor the Star Trek movies originated
the failure of a massive weapon as the theme of the movie. This is the theme
of every Roadrunner cartoon.