Annoying His Loyal Minions 140 Characters at a Time

The Monarch’s Freestanding (no individual responses) Tweet Compendium Through December 1, 2008

Over a few drinks, David Milch, Kevin Smith and J. Michael Straczynski discuss worthless writers. Later, William Shakespeare hangs himself.

Over drinks, Stan Ridgway, Jonathan Coulton and Alice Cooper discuss worthless lyricists. In a far corner of the bar, Bono hangs himself.

In a dark corner of the bar, Joss Whedon overhears both conversations and pens a new series based on overrated artists killing themselves.

I’m an agnostic who chooses to Believe not because I fear tempting Fate, but because I believe Fate fears my having the choice.

You can’t really say you’re letting alcohol get the best of you if alcohol’s already the single best thing in you.

I’ve concluded that amnesia could never qualify as a working vacation.

“I’ve no fuckin’ ambition past tradin’ to my favor and cumming… Once a day.” — Al Swearengen, Pre-Randian Objectivist

Bad has eclipsed good to a point where the eternal struggle has become nothing more than a requiem for hope buried beneath shadow.

I used to be somebody but I forgot how.

You don’t have to live in Alaska to live in fear of being stalked by a bipolar bear.

When will the bloodshed finally begin? I’m thirsty and bored with subjugation.

I can literally count the number of days I have not wanted to kill someone over the past four decades on one hand.

“I say, follow your dreams… Even if they’re about a giant spider with your father’s head and he keeps stealing your penis.” — Dean Venture

Yes, yes, yes… I’m still listening to whatever bullshit you’re spewing. I’m just trying to peel the duct tape off so I can lose this sock.

Just because Fallingwater was falling down doesn’t mean that it’s still not the most beautiful home ever designed and built by Man.

If a liberal falls in the forest, do the trees still laugh, or are they afraid they’ll all be jailed for an act of Hate Speech?

I feel so crummy on a regular basis that I’d turn down a pity fuck from the Virgin Mary.

“Twenty-eight days, six hours, forty-two minutes and twelve seconds.” — Frank

Bug man’s gonna be here in less than an hour. I gotta knock off this shit and get in the shower. Wouldn’t wanna be stinky for the bug man.

Was oversaturating my updates with too many pull-quotes, so I’m yanking them until I determine somebody out there even cares they’re here.

Searched “428? and didn’t come up with one damn Cobra or Super Cobra Jet reference. I guess I truly am older than Eve’s first tampon.

Yard guy (not bug man) just left with a 14? trailer FULL of debris! Once I get my cool rocks in place, I’m good to shoot the booze panorama.

I received a private e-mail telling me my avatar isn’t actually Number 24, so I told him/her I couldn’t believe he/she stole my Stanza.

To better know Bukowski, get Tom Russell’s CD Hotwalker and listen to the insightful period stories firsthand.

I think it’s time for a few more “defining” quotes — and maybe better keywords in the bio. Kind of a wasteland in here, otherwise.

“Phil, grappling with the cold reality of death, has no pithy rejoinder.” — Phil, from [adult swim's] Frisky Dingo

Should some Hollywood type ever wish to tell my story, my single greatest fear is that it’d only air as a movie of the week on Lifetime.

I’d hate this goddamned country if I didn’t love it so goddamned much.

The meek shall inherit… Whatever the fuck Free Men choose to leave behind for ‘em. Period.

////////////NASCAR — The Special Olympics of Motorsports

That I have no reason to live doesn’t bother me half as much as the fact there might have ever been one in the first place.

Paper buys time. Steel buys freedom.

Steven Spielberg is constantly selling us revisionist history. I’m certain Pol Pot: The Musical will be his next feature film.

Remember! When seconds count, the police are only minutes away!

Technically speaking, it’s not considered Tourette’s until somebody’s actually listening to what you have to say.

Ah, Pima County and its government… It’s like living in your very own Third World nation without all the pesky attributes of culture.

“He says the President is near!” — Olson Johnson

Bats was pretty tasty. More depth than any super-genre film in history. If he wanted to do true good, though, he’d go back to packing heat.

“I don’t even feel like taking a whiz on this… I used to DREAM of taking a whiz on this!”

Dreamed about Zone 2 last night. I may be crippled for life. Oh, wait… Too late.

Decided that The Hidden Fortress may be my third favorite Samurai flick, just behind Yojimbo and Sanjuro in pure entertainment value.

Sacrilege! Immoral asswipes at Skinemax are showing a 16:9 framed Patton in “HD” and it looks like shit because it’s blurry from the zoom!

To take our only Dimension 150 (the vertical Heir Apparent to VistaVision) film and destroy for the talking monkeys is utterly blasphemous!

We could simply irradiate the French and use them as a nightlight for the Irish to drink by…

I killed a cricket with the side of a can of Diet RC. I wonder if that could work on getting rid of B.J. McBama before it’s too late?

Well, that didn’t go as planned…

Wow. The Olympics in standard def. Thank you, Channel 4, for killing NBC’s Hi-Def feed after your insipid Hi-Def local news. Fuck YOU!!!!!!!

I do enjoy the slick lighted helms to show hits, though. I watched saber late last night… ‘Cause I’ve actually tried it.

I’m of the opinion that the Olympic opening ceremonies were simply the most expensive “Fuck you!” in the history of man.

Rusty Venture ————— Brought to you by… SMOKING!

Actually, last night’s line just took me back to JQ’s premiere on ABC in ‘64, with PF Fliers, Wham-O and Winston as sponsors…

Two of those Chinese gymnasts AIN’T 16! Neither look old enough to know a tampon from a teddy bear, so why do we keep worshiping slavery?

Every 3 minutes my screen size shrinks so I can be reminded that IT’S FUCKING RAINING — JUST IN CASE I’M DRIVING AND WATCHING THE OLYMPICS!

Hail destroyed my front sensor light and the big bug light on the east end of the back yard roofline. My will to live is fading.

Heard one of the neighbor nazis was passing out Obama stickers to the cult. Can’t wait to do the “The President is…” thing next meeting.


The more time I spend alone, my brain wilting like an unwatered plant, the more I resemble Ed O’Neill’s character in John From Cincinnati.

This house is back down to below the melting point of tungsten.

Is everything AC related these days? Personally, I blame the lack of beach volleyball butt shots on NBC, but that’s just me.

Finished Episode 10 of John From Cincinnati with Milch’s commentary. He said he was crying. Milch is NOT a lesser god. He may be the only.

Obama makes me cry, too. So does McCain. So does any megalomaniac Marxist ass clown stealing my rights and money.

Pretty spectacular tonight. By the way… I ate at the Chinese buffet all by myself last night. Depression’s not an aphrodisiac.

Dirt-worshiping hippies never listened to Zep. They were fans of “peace, love and BIG government” bands like The Byrds.

The place is so lousy with the Left that I remain only to drive the Marxist-worshipers insane — meaning the GOP hates me, too.

Froot Loops, Apple Jacks or crack? Yep, dinner alone after Leibernazi’s scintillating endorsement speech for Goebbels Light. Let it burn.

Our lives are in the moronic “moderate” hands of the 3%+1 who determine every presidential election. Of course, this year…

Take heart, you feckless Republican inbreds who nominated McCain. No matter who wins, come January, America becomes one giant RED State.

Wonder what her (Palin’s) speech was titled? “Fuck You, Faux Resume Boy” or “Pay No Attention to the Man in Front of the Curtains” ???

I’d have her wearing her knees as earrings begging me to drill below the permafrost if she’d win Anwar away from the Fed for us!

Watched Transamerica off IFC tonight and found it to be an amazingly well acted, thought-provoking and funny little movie. Recommended.

Lesbian Democrats are hot. They’re like lesbian Republicans, but are not quite as prone to follow someone they don’t agree with.

My keywords are plague-like in their ruthless dismissiveness, so why do I have so many brand new spammer followers?

Bricks and chins shouldn’t mix.

What day is it? 11:17 PM Sep 4th

Netflix seems to only cater to adult diaper wearing sister fuckers who ruined AMC and most all Hi-Def films broadcast on cable or satellite.

Panning and scanning is to film what McCain and Obama are to the American Dream: a collectivist abomination revising history to suit morons.

Barry Lyndon not only panned and scanned, but in a non-anamorphic format — a box in a box on black — just to rub it in.

The hot librarian chick’s gonna to have plenty of time for the “anti-gifted” kid because she’s never gonna have to cast a tie-breaking vote.

If this bullshit is going to be the norm for Netflix with films as recent as Strange Days and Michael Collins — I’m done.

Blu-ray is a different animal entirely, because Netflix has no way to dig up any pre-anamorphic discs to screw with you. YEA!!!

I just flushed six of my “followers” as Twitter Green Spammers. They weren’t really bothering me, but they were there — like deer ticks.

Besides the Plateau of Mont St. Jeanne, I’ve decided I want to see Spa when I go to Belgium in 2015, even if there’s not one damn car on it.

Saw one of Hamilton’s fan shirts that say “Uber Schwartze” while watching F1 this morning. I can’t grasp “Super Nigger” being a compliment.

Fell asleep in the living room around 9:30 tonight. I awoke to an arsenal of nasty fake boobage displayed in some lame Skinemax flick. Yuck.

Hey, 21! Fire up the cocoon and buckle your seat belts! We’re gonna do a victory roll through the St. Louis Arch! AND THEN YOUR ASS IS MINE!

I dunno what it is, Boss, but I feel absolutely GIDDY with my new evil power! I’m thinking about turning Dr. Billy Quizboy into a lava lamp.

I just looked in the Guild’s Handy Field Reference Guide and I’m listed under “T” — for THE MONARCH!

I think it’s when I drink and get like this that greatly contributed to Dr. Girlfriend not wanting to wear her knees as earrings anymore.

I don’t suppose it still counts if my actual Dr. Girlfriend doesn’t really like me anymore, does it? Oh, well… I still love her Airedales.

Another “TheMonarch” seems to only smoke pot and worship communists. I would not be that guy. I, not hapless taxpayers, pay for my minions.

“…Fashioning wings from leaves and supping on milkweed — which may explain _MY_ toxicity to this very day.” ;-]

Watching the Grand Prix of Monza and grinning ear to ear. Ah, a mere 215mph in the pouring rain… What would those pussies in NASCAR think?

It’s 5 AM. My spine and internal organs have told me to get up and move so they might fall back into place after another night on the couch.

Bail out one, then bail out all, and immediately lose the country to avowed socialists bent on making us France. Death to them all.

Saw a newer blue Dodge Caravan down at UMC with an “Obama ‘08? sticker on the driver-side and “McCain for President” opposite it. Got a pic.

Also saw a silver Prius with a “Buy American” sticker next to a Good Sam decal on its ugly ass. Inbreeders and Environazis unite!

Wore my Mexican Radio Stan Ridgway shirt down to the UMC “English as a ninth Language” illegal fest yesterday. Lots of looks; no comments.

Used the “Killed the President of Paraguay with a fork” line on an unattentive nurse yesterday, too. She didn’t get it. I didn’t care.

“Obama ‘08 – Jimmy Carter’s second term. Put on your sweater and blindfold the embassy staff!” Sheer genius on a bumper sticker, Pharoah7!

It’s no secret my mind is failing, so do you suppose the Fed will step in to bail me out with an $85 Billion brain restoration?

Half of the unwashed 3% plus 1 who’ll decide don’t even know “Dow” isn’t referring to Scrubbing Bubbles, so, it doesn’t matter.

Called one of mom’s friends a communist and an inbred collectivist McBama supporter needing a map to find her own ass/brain earlier tonight.

Two Money Market houses have broken the buck to pay only 95% on every “dollar in/dollar out” return. May hit a “90% only” return by Monday.

But my hair looks fucking fantastic today!

I’m a serious Atoms, Motion & the Void fan of Sherwin’s, myself.

You can’t be a “community organizer” unless you’re stapling “Kill Whitey!” leaflets on phone poles for your pastor.

“Obama’s hipster-dufus-latte-sipping-laptop crowd…” — Jonah Goldberg, author of Liberal Fascism — LOVE IT! `8-)

The more I get called a retard by liberals (Republicans and Democrats, alike) in this election cycle, the bigger my ego gets. Weird.

No shit: I’ve been enduring an “Ethanol is our Lord and Savior and if you say otherwise you’re living a lie and defying God’s will!” thread.

Saw the second McCain ad (this time, though, a McCain/Palin sticker!) on a Prius an hour ago. I swear I’m gonna piss myself seeing my third!

I actually sang “I wanna go back to my little grass shack in 22.5% sales tax/$16,000 a semester Punahou High, Hawaii” to a check out gal…

Dear President John Hussein McBama… Please nationalize MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I’m a little bit shy this month, so I must “deserve” BILLIONS.

I’m starting to not make it through the day without screaming, “YOU INBRED MOTHERFUCKING MORON!” every time I see a McBama sticker or sign.

Don’t have to be a scholar of Austrian Economics to know dts sounds better than Dolby Digital, but it helps when you’re RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!

Actual self-published book title now available: How to Tell if Your Living Life’s Purpose — (Read that again and tell me the End isn’t near.)

I know I’m older than dog snot and should already be dead, but, could someone please explain the point of those Gates/Seinfeld commercials?

Got to hear Mack The Knife and I Ain’t Got Nobody in Mandarin. Fucking awesome what our new owners can do for their willing slaves!

Gotta get back to the zoo until Monday Night Boredom starts. Then I’m going to a public place and scream “CUNT!” at every McBama supporter.

It’s official: death is an upgrade.

Between the 80-year-old being nearly beaten to death by “good” cops after he killed two “bad” cops during their invasion…

Dear Minions: I shan’t be posting for a while. I’m leaving to go bail out the bailout so we can be even BIGGER communists than last week.

So, is Stephen Fry really writing Peter Jackson’s remake of Dambusters or not? He said the “unfortunate codeword is missing” — so it’s dead?

PS: It’s still snowing on Mars.

I wonder if Dave will bring copies of Michael Moore Is A Big Fat Stupid White Man to the first showing of An American Carol this Friday?

Ah, culture… And to think… I’ll be “enjoying” watching morons doing the Chicken Dance at Oktobrefest in Otisburg this weekend.

Just finished Halloween signage explaining if I see any kiddies dressed up as Obama or McCain and they’re NOT on fire, I’ll set ‘em on fire.

Thank goodness Obama’s ra-ra biographer is “moderating” this latest televised abortion to sway the Weak & Stupid who comprise the 3%+1.

I just loved it when Biden said FDR went on TELEVISION to explain THAT economic crisis when he was president! Public-school-education rules!


Wow. A cool $128 MILLION to NASCAR TRACK OWNERS in the $810 BILLION Senate bill to secure the Weak & Stupid vote? Death. Taxes. Stupidity…

Hell isn’t the impossibility of reason. Hell is listening to voters who can’t even tell you the lone constitutional job of the VP.

Lava… Wind… Flood… None of it can hold a candle to the uncommon stupidity of the common man possessing a voter registration card.

I’m a single issue voter… If you don’t honor the oath you swore when you said you’d uphold and defend the Constitution, I want you dead.

Off to go see An American Carol with the NYT bestselling author of Michael Moore Is A Big Fat Stupid White Man and an army of “NOT THEM”…

Given a $588.00 fine for using my “Permanent, Permanently Disabled” placard in a handicapped spot tonight. Gonna ask for Community Service.

Crushing fatigue forcing nap before Banking, Copying, PO Box Renewal and Kangaroo Court to explain I’m a disease without a cure.

The only question remaining is, when the talking monkeys elect McBama, how much more fascist cock will we have to suck than we already do?

I’ve created GOVERNMENT CANDY COUPONS (redeemable at any Federal office) to hand out this Halloween. Fuck all the whiny little McBamites.

Saw a bum in “long-ass shorts” pissing on an Early Voting sandwich sign next to my commie councilmember’s office when I went to Walgreens.

Just vote McBama, subbies. Believe me, once in, you’re gonna get thrashed and fucked like you ain’t NEVER been thrashed and fucked before.

Life itself tends to be an untenable situation.

What are your best examples of steering and/or ambiance? I find the “height” effect in the opening of Master & Commander amazing.

Cut one cheap McCain and one Obama mask in two and join them. When asked, just tell folks you’re two sides of the same communist.

Got banned from our Obamapaper’s website for letting people know a public official is Portuguese and not Mexican. They said I was racist.

Article is doomed… Guess telling the world my post-nationalization plans include killing and eating my socialist neighbors is TOO Postal.

I won’t kneel for any lower case messiah or the Manchurian Candidate, so I sure as hell don’t need to be following blind slaves.

Fuck y’all. We’re basking in the social warmth and economic solvency of 1935 Germany. I’m John Hussein McBama, and I approved this message.

It’s all just — shit — now.

Due to fucking baseball, FOX should again be airing THIS year’s Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror in February of NEXT year. Happy Halloween.

The whole Net’s aflutter with “Jon Stewart said ‘Fuck you, Sarah Palin!’” traffic. No FUs for Obama, though, because that’d be “Hate Speech.”

Strange that the Berg lawsuit default thing’s getting some airplay.

Berg may be big (in a non-lamestream media way) by Saturday. If it gets buried, you’ll know the shit’s gonna hit the fan. Kenya? Fuck me…

“Grandma may not make live ’til the election.” — United States Senator Barry Soetoro, (D-IL) “Ya think?” – Phil Berg, Asst. Attorney Gen, (D-PA)

Frankly, besides their respective resumes, I shudder to think anybody can seriously see a difference between two fascists.

Skippy the Teleprompter-Reading Chipmunk vs. Ancient Evil Incarnate? Fuck you, Two-Party American Morons, for your twisted love of fascism.

I guess that black screen at start-up was Vista eating Eudora alive. Swell. Eight gazillion posts swept away by progress.

Carl Cameron of FOX News just said, “Welcome to the back of the Obama bus!” live from a satellite phone on Barry’s campaign jet!

FLASH! Anti-Obama “LetFreedomRing” ad with the bearded bald guy is being voiced by HUGO WEAVING! “Remember, remember, the 5th of November!”

Just realized I met Dr. Girl(?)friend twenty-two years ago tonight. In a word… WOW. 7:16 AM Oct 31st

Ya know, there’s something deeply spiritual about using safety pins to join the two haves of one’s 50/50 John Hussein McBama Halloween mask.

Quick election PS: According to the DoJ, two counties now sit at 123% of possible legal age voters who are currently registered. Go ACORN!!!

Upon “wheels up” for Barry’s departing jet, the Governor of Hawaii sealed his Certificates of Birth. Granny just died. Mission accomplished.

“Laissez-faire, c’est fini. We will intervene massively whenever a strategic enterprise needs our money.” — Nicolas Sarkozy

“This is the dramatic equivalent of the collapse of the Soviet Union: we now know that an era has ended.” – Eric Hobsbawm, Marxist

This HAS to be how a good number of THINKING Germans were feeling the night before their deaf, dumb and blind neighbors elected Hitler.

A stage hand fixed a microphone battery on a pregnant FNC weather gal’s butt and she said that “was the most action she’d had in a while.”

In 1993, assets held by Americans were estimated at $23 Trillion, or about $92K per person. After McBama’s $810 Billion bailout, it’s $2613.

Enjoy the “Fuck you, anti-socialist America!” play-on music for Barry’s anointing speech? It was John Williams’ theme to The Patriot.

I mean, it’s not like any of his disciples would get it, so it was a safe “fuck you” move… Kind of like the Opening Ceremonies in Beijing.

Someone stole my “No Hope” and “No Change” jack-o-lanterns on the night before Halloween. Been thinking about getting a “V” flag. I’m so thrilled to know I’ve lived long enough to see Nader die!

I guess Oliver Stone will be calling his new Obama movie “H” for Hussein like “W” because Barry Soetoro doesn’t actually have a middle name.

Former KKK Grand Dragon, Robert Byrd (D-WV), waits until a black man is in the White House before he resigns his Chair? Irony, anyone?

I have “make me a handsome guy” stuff in my hair, even though I know I can’t go anywhere. Guess I’ll watch Hamlet for the next 4hrs14mins.

Winter thunderstorm rolling in fast from the west over Otisburg. Awesomeness incarnate.

Didn’t realize the Nicole Kidman flick The Invasion was a documentary about Lord Barry’s followers trying to save people from themselves.

Just saw a neighbor walking a Portuguese Water Dog puppy past my house! Fantastic, lovable critters. Most hypoallergenic dogs on earth, too.

It’s official: Top Gear is the greatest television show in the history of broadcasting.

If things go badly in court tomorrow, look for me on the evening news. I’m the one cited for using his gimp sticker to park in a gimp spot.

Lost my gimp sticker case in court today. No community service allowed. I have until January to be cured of MS, as they’ll issue a warrant.

Any other dweebs notice that the female Jedi’s lightsaber from Clone Wars looks just like an old white plastic vibrator from Spencer’s?

Hyundai and Mercury regularly score better than Toyota in JD Powers, yet the public doesn’t know, so it’s pointless to even try.

Ignorant Americans who bought a Toyota Matrix over a Pontiac Vibe are the same morons who put a Marxist in the White House.

Doubt it’ll be important autopsy-wise, but I ate two Green Giant frozen spinach packs and drank two glasses of Jameson’s for dinner tonight.

Hillary. On TV. Every Day. For the Next Eight Years… Now we can feel like the third world nation she’d always dreamed America could be.

Just made a fresh batch of sugar-free 7-Up. After Splenda was pulled from the formula, I’ve been making my own. Doesn’t fizz, but it’s good.

Need a philosophy? Masturbation is the world’s oldest self interest. If wackin’ it ain’t Objectivist, I don’t know what is.

There’s a knitting place by Dr. Girlfriend’s called “Sew What” — but that pales in comparison to the “Happy Hookers” sighting.

Just realized I’ll be the first human being to die without ever owning an iPod or similar mp3ish device. One twentieth of music ain’t music.

That fabulous dinner last night makes me proud to be a charter member of the National Smokers’ Alliance. Thanks again, ScottsFJ40!

Hot Logic isn’t something talking monkeys understand. They hate facts. They love cults. Public “Education” sealed our fate.

Independents don’t have a mailing address. Libertarians do. The former isn’t a political party. The latter is — sort of.

Registering as an Independent means you haven’t succumbed to complete apathy. Registering Libertarian means you can read AND you’re pissed.

Korean animators may be solely responsible for teaching this country’s inbred media to hang vertically oriented American flags backwards.

Since the original Day the Earth Stood Still was a pro-Marxist tome, I can only assume this new one will prove an Environazi fest. Oh, Neo…

Happy Take Your Bird to Work Day, everybody! Unless, uh, you don’t have a job. But, fear not! Obama will GIVE you one and we’ll pay for it!

MINIONS!!! Happy Black Friday.

There IS NO OTHER era for Van Halan than DLR’s tenure. Hagar is such a pussy he said he wouldn’t kill UBL to save his own family!

Gonna lose another friend to cancer within the next couple of weeks. It’s not so much losing Mike as it is how bad I feel for his parents.

Spartacus in Hi-Def to fill Cinemax’s 1.78 screen is a blurry mess, altogether ruining Super Technirama-70’s (2.21:1) gorgeous 65mm image.