Dennis Miller, Eat Your Heart Out
by Adron McDuffie

— A real-time Stupor Bowl commentary The Blank received via e-mail. —

Oh, I hope you’re watching my Bucs (yeah, yeah but they’re a distant second favorite) kick the shit out of those Oakland Thugs/Pussies (if it’s possible to be a thug and a pussy at the same time; must be, cause they're doing a DAMN fine job of it).  At least I don’t have to watch Tim Brown cry because he won the Lombardi.  Asshole was on TV the other day saying, “I’ve never cried at a football game, but I think I may if…” yeah, yeah, like I said – pussy.  For as effective as he’s been so far, he shoulda stayed at home and watched his whore-wife give birth to Romanowski’s twins.  Like I give a flying FUCK what she has to say before the game, Jesus H. on a Popsicle stick.  When did the NFL become a platform for women to start spouting off like they know what the fuck is going on?  All they know about football is: FOOTBALL PLAYERS = MONEY.  Like she’s going to say tell Timmy the truth about how Roman was trying to fuck the black out of her behind his back while he was ranting about deserving a World Championship.  Roman doesn’t care – cock-sucking crack-addict has four already.

   — Romanowski in a weight room: “Spot me while I take the needle outta my ass.” —

Fucking ’Roid-monkey.  At least then he’d (Brown) catch something.  Unlike tonight.  Couldn’t catch a cold butt-naked giving head to a penguin. — Ha, ha, that was a good one. —  27-3 now.  Maybe Brown will shut up and retire and everyone can quit acting like it’s some kind of goddamned tragedy if HE doesn’t win a fucking Super Bowl.  Neither have you nor I nor anyone I know for that matter, and nobody is crying about it 24/7 on national fucking TV and what a travesty it is that we haven’t.  Once more – pussies.
OOPS, 34-3 now.  I.N.T. baby!!!  That’s what they get for trying to throw to a 93 year old man.  Rice, retire or you’ll be dead before you can spend your retire-ment.  Stupid assholes.  Oh WOW, Oakland decided to act like they were in the FUCKING SUPERBOWL, 34-9.  Good move going for two – see above (stupid assholes).  Like you don’t need 4 more scores anyway.  Dumb sons-a-whores.  Karla just said (sarcastically), “Maybe they'll mount a comeback.”  Maybe I’ll go to bed and wake up in shape with a red Ferrari outside in the driveway of my new 10 million dollar home and monkeys will fly outta my ass.

Maybe, you never know.