The No Spit Zone
by Kaz Kozalak

Hi, I’m Will Smiley. Caution. You are about to enter The No Spit Zone.

Today’s Talking Points Memo: Why can’t anyone tell me what’s going on? I’ve tried and tried to get a straight story out of someone on this critical situation, yet nobody will speak up about it. C’mon people! What’s going on in America? Can’t anyone give me a straight answer about anything?

The police aren’t talking. Barbara Striesand isn’t talking (that’s new). The foul-mouthed kids on South Park know more about what’s going on than anyone in power. Maybe Cartman and Kenny should be put in charge for a while. At least we’d get a direct answer in between the bleeped-out words. C’mon people! Every American deserves some straight answers, but nobody in authority will give you one. I’d like to get you the information, but everybody shuts up and won’t talk to your humble correspondent. Buy my new book and T-shirts and other No Spit Zone items. At least do that…

Our top story today: Another shocking situation about adults without proper training coming into contact with our nation’s children. You won’t believe this! Clowns in the circus who’ve never been to Clown College! This is really disturbing news.

From our studios in Dallas is a former clown who worked for twenty years in the circus without ever having spent one day in Clown College. We welcome you to our show, Mr. Spikey.

“Hello, Will.”

Mr. Spikey – That isn’t your REAL name, is it?


Will you tell us your real name?


This is a No Spit Zone. Quit hiding behind that clown makeup! You need to tell us your real name.

“I’d rather not.”

We on the No Spit Zone always respect your opinion. So, Spikey, how did you manage to pull off this outrage for twenty years? You were a clown in the circus who never went to Clown College, yet you were allowed to come into daily contact with children all over America. That really turns my stomach.

“I didn’t do anything wrong. I just wanted to be a clown.”

Ya know, people like you should be castrated and put away for a very long time.

“I got to do a lot of traveling. I think I did the kids a lot of good. They seemed to enjoy the honking horn and the balloons I pulled out of my pocket.”

Are you sure that’s the only thing you pulled out of your pocket, Mr. Spikey? C’mon. We all know what you really are!

“I’m just a person who wanted to make children happy. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

I’ll bet you made yourself “happy” at the same time, if you know what I mean. As always, we give fair and balanced reporting on the No Spit Zone. Thank you for coming on, and hope you crawl back under that rock you came out from under. As always, we appreciate you coming on the No Spit Zone. I’ll give you the last word.

“The Circus is fun!”

Next, we’ll have some of your e-mail after a newsbreak.

“Hello, I’m Lori Do-me, and these are Today’s Headlines: Middle East summit talks stalled after Yasser Arafat’s Ford Explorer rolls over … Dangerous heat hits Antarctica with temperatures soaring to minus 39-degrees below zero … Economic news looks bad for the economy as the Dow Jones falls again after Allan Greenspan speaks before Congress.”

Will Smiley back again. Now to your e-mail…

Don Ronzoni, Tampa, Florida: “You suck Smiley!”

I probably don’t suck as much as you would like me to, if you know what I mean.

Dave Kloss, Stone Mountain, Georgia: “You blow Smiley!”

No, I suck. Didn’t you read the letter from Don Ronzoni?

Erica Junkel, Silver City, New Mexico: “Will you have my baby?”

No. You will have my baby. That’s the way it works. Go back and read high school biology, Erica!

That’s it for today’s No Spit Zone. Tune it tomorrow when we bring you new frightening fair and balanced news.