Planet of The Wimps
by Kaz Kozalak

Whether we like it or not, we live on The Planet of The Wimps.

An excellent and convenient place to view wimps is The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Every Tuesday is Dr. Phil McGraw day on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Dr. Phil McGraw describes himself as a “life strategist”. I suppose his strategy in life was to get a weekly gig on The Oprah Winfrey Show to plug himself and his books. Sweet. I wish I could get a weekly gig on the Oprah Show. Maybe if I read some of Phil McGraw’s books I can do that. But, for now, I will have to be satisfied with a gig on this web page.

Some of the people who appear on Oprah’s show don’t need “life strategy” from Dr. Phil McGraw. They need to be sterilized and sent to Siberia so they have no further chance of reproducing.

Most, but not all, of the wimps on the Oprah show seem to be men. Is this by design of the evil mastermind, Oprah, or is this an actual reflection of life on The Planet of The Wimps? I can’t say for sure. Maybe Dr. Phil McGraw can give me some “life strategy” to find out the truth.

Here’s Kaz Kozalak’s NUMBER ONE piece of advice for wimps: For God’s sake, don’t go on The Oprah Winfrey Show and let the whole world see what a wimp you were! People will be talking about that at your funeral…

    “Did you see him on the Oprah Winfrey Show? He was such a wimp!”

    “I know. I felt so embarrassed for him.”

    “It’s too bad that’s the thing he’s remembered for most.”

One show had a married couple in which the wife was such a control freak that I think she could have been a lion tamer in the circus and never needed a REGULAR whip. She had a variety of rules that her husband had to follow: No sex until you brush your teeth… You can’t leave the dinner table before I do… You have to fold your pants in the drawer a certain way and fold my pants in the drawer another certain way…

Oy! It just wasn’t her husband that she wanted to control. It was her whole family. She told her sister how to raise her children. She told her mother how to clean her house. She told everybody how to do everything. This woman wasn’t meant to live as somebody’s wife. She was meant to live as a prison guard in a third world country. And people wonder how serial killers get born… I pity the fool kid who might ever be this woman’s child. She’ll criticize the kid for not playing in the sandbox correctly.

One of the female wimps on the Oprah show couldn’t stand her husband’s rude table manners but couldn’t get him to stop. My suggestion is for her to give him a dog food bowl and have at it. No utensils required. Problem solved. If they ever go out to a restaurant, she should ask for a “doggie bag” right at the start and bring the dog bowl along with her. This isn’t complicated.

And it’s not just on TV that I’ve witnessed wimps. I see them in real life, too.

One guy I know has a girlfriend from Mexico. She has a bunch of children and grandchildren who still live in Mexico. They call her on his phone – collect. I asked him what his phone bills are. He said over $200 a month! The woman he lives with has no real money of her own, so this dude gets stuck with major phone bills. It’s okay to compromise with your mate, but I think this situation is out of hand.

Another man I know is on his third wife. His second wife had a little toy French Poodle. He told me a number of times how much he hated little dogs. He said he had a Labrador Retriever when he was young. It was such a great dog. He always wanted another Labrador Retriever. His third wife got – you guessed it – another toy dog. I’ve heard this dog bark. It’s more like a squeak than a bark. If you prefer small dogs, that’s okay with me, but in my book, this guy wimped out.

    —  “Whadda you think you are, Kozalak? …Some kind of Mr. Spock who always uses reason and logic?”

    —  “Whadda you think you are, Kozalak? …Some kind of incorruptible superhero like Superman, who can’t be tempted or manipulated?”

    —  “Whadda you think you are, Kozalak? …Some kind of pure-of-heart mythic knight like Sir Lancelot or Tony Soprano?”

I am none of these people. I, too, am a wimp. Because, I too live on…