Carnac can kiss my ass!

Carnac attempts to divine presidential winner

I wrote my original column that you were supposed to have been reading immediately preceding this election – but which you are reading now – three weeks after (after...?) to the 2000 election. The site went up too late for my tongue-in-cheek rant to pack a punch, so the Postalmeister pulled it.

Silly him.

Mind you, there was no clairvoyance involved in writing my column; I was merely pontificating on the dreary predictability of elections. I could write it ahead of time because being a political hack is what I used to do for a so-called living.

Silly me.

In that column, I explained – in hideously gory detail – how little your and my vote would matter, because elections are decided by the lowest common denominators (read: "morons") who occupy the vast middle ground. Of course, I was only writing about how and why stupid people vote.

Again: Silly me.

Oh, and if you doubt my veracity about writing any of this, please e-mail the Postalmeister and ask him if the following claims are true. He's real good at form letters.

Okay… For starters, I actually wrote the following as the opening paragraph:

"So, you've read the pundits' spin and watched the debates, and now, the fully informed registered voter that you are, you're getting all excited about voting this year. That's too bad, because your vote couldn't possibly be less important to the outcome of this – or any – election."

I went on to type:

"If you consider yourself 'politically aware' and 'in touch' with what's really going on, you've probably heard the expression, 'Don't vote! It only encourages them!' You probably laughed it off as a humorous inside joke meant for 'hip' politicos such as yourself…. Hell, you may even understand how academic the whole process is because of the predictability of every race or proposition's outcome well in advance of the election, so you think your little inside joke is even funnier. That's nice. It's good to feel superior to the average, uninformed citizen."

I then followed with:

"Even if you're one of those motivated individuals who, through personal interest in a single issue or some deeply anal need to feel like you're a part of something bigger, has actually worked on a campaign as a sign-hanger or paper-pusher, you couldn't be further out of the loop if you were Eminem at a taping of The 700 Club. You may be part of the machine, but you're not part of the process."

This was, of course, meant to punctuate my disgust at anyone's self-righteousness for having the nerve to think that smart, well-educated, politically aware voters actually have a voice in the outcome of any given election.

Yeah, right: Silly me.

After spewing a host of number-crunching anecdotal evidence about the meaninglessness of it all in the face of mass stupidity, I wound up writing these two paragraphs to conclude my tirade:

"And who are these great unwashed of the muddle-brained middle? Ever been denied jury duty because you were too smart or too informed (they weeded you out for a particular bumper sticker or a propensity to watch FOX News or C-SPAN) to be accepted by either the defense or the prosecution? Well then, congratulations, my friends! Let me be the first to welcome y'all to the defendant's chair of the American electoral process!

"Remember how stupid the people who were chosen for that jury from which you were excused looked? Good, because that Norman Rockwell painting of ineptitude and inbreeding constitutes the same group of adult diaper-wearing sister-fuckers who will be deciding which assholes will be ruling over every facet of your life from here on out."

Yes. You may now kneel before The Blank and kiss his ring.

Okay, so I wasn't banking on the geriatric cluster-colonic of the century taking place while the entire world watched on television, but I did call the fact that our pathetic lives are inherently dictated by the actions of unfathomably stupid people. I want a cookie.

Heh heh… And you thought that "it only encourages them" line was referring to the politicians.

Silly you, but I think you'll do just fine on jury duty.


"...These are just simple farmers. These are people of the land; the common clay
of the new West. You know... morons."
Gene Wilder to Cleavon Little in Blazing Saddles