And, for no other reason than Phil wants you to be able to see what ran instead of the "Get off the field, bitch!" piece (because it was too nasty), here's the "kinder, gentler, public consumption" version:

A kinder, gentler, Apostle’s epistle

This isn’t the feature article I wrote. It’s not even a feature article. As a matter of fact, it’s so poorly composed that it barely rates as a dancer’s semen-obscured phone number on a tit bar matchbook cover. You see, the Postalmeister pulled my real feature.


Well, according to the rat bastard, my original article was simply too, well… Let’s go back and look at some of the nicer things he wrote in the scathing e-mails he sent me, shall we?

According to the Postalmunster, “…the ‘football’ piece is even more of what I didn't like about it the first time.”

What a lovely thing to read when you first open an e-mail. It gets better…

“There needs to be some level of ‘good natured ribbing’ involved in these pieces… ‘blonde cunt’ just isn't funny.  It's kinda gross.”

I don’t know how many Drive-In back seats the Postalshyster has been in lately, but some of the rest of us still enjoy a nice piece of platinum pussy with our popcorn now and then.

“It's too ‘13th Apostle versus the football bitch’ rather than being a sarcastic observation making fun of specific…”

Oh, please. Who among you reading this – especially all you WWF shut-ins – wouldn’t pay big, BIG stadium bucks to see a feature event billed like: SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! Trailer Trash Entertainment, in conjunction with Knitting With Pliers and Spud-Co, Inc., is proud to present — The Thirteenth Apostle vs. The Football Bitch ?

I mean, really…

I write a gem of a line like “estrogen-laced girly gargling” and all I get some wannabe high-brow rejoinder like, “…to my palette it isn't coming across as humor, just as a mean-spirited diatribe.”

And your point would be…?

Just to make sure I’m not missing another warm and fuzzy point he’s feebly attempting to make, the Pissmeister sternly writes, “Explain to people why your hatred is justified.”

Hmmm… Let me think for a minute about a suitable reply to that last sneeringly insipid remark. I know! How’s about, “Ah… No?”

Oh, and his supremely eloquent coup de grace in his anti-Apostle anvil drop? The Putridmeister actually instructed me to “be edgy and outrageous.” Ooooo… Gee, Lucy, if I wanted to be “edgy and outrageous” wouldn’t I have been hired to write the “edgy” cut-scene blathering for Alice II: The Brown Acid’s Still Bad?

I guess I should be thankful for one thing, though. I was told I could post all of the hyperlinks for the “article that wasn’t” in this lame-ass place-holding missive. Without any text to set them up, I’m sure none of them will make any goddamned sense to anyone, but if you’re wasted and want to kill some more brain cells by making up your own jokes for the links, hey – be my guest!

     < insert pointless hyperlinks (including the new “Oprah” link) here >

Oh, well, so my latest feature will never see the light of day. Big deal. I mean, I still have a good job here at Running With Scissors and the pay is certainly everything one could ever hope for, so what the fuck, right? I really should just quit my bitching and get back to business as usual. As a matter of fact, you’re probably already enjoying some of my best work and you don’t even know that it was little ol’ yours truly who penned it!

I’m sure many of you have read Shysters, Quacks and Pigs: A User Guide to Watching Formula Prime-Time Network Television in this week’s issue of TV Guide, haven’t you?

Boy! Talk about edgy!

The Thirteenth Apostle