© Steve Wik, 2001
He’s at it again.
Das Lieber-Man ist komen!
The Circumcised Censor, Senatorial SupervillainJoey Lieberman (D-CT), is back bashing the videogame industry (gee, what a surprise) with a glee I haven’t seen since he and the rest of his evil syndicate were on the warpath back in 1999, when a 98-0 vote attached severe videogame violence marketing restrictions to a “Juvenile Justice”(?) bill that had weaseled its way through the U.S. Senate.
Now that Liebersham’s never-ending quest to make his name synonymous with the trendy liberal catch phrase “It’s for the children!” is back in the headlines, be afraid. Be very afraid.
Speaking from the same position of ignorance that’s been his trademark ever since sneaking into the U.S. Senate, Joey shared some of his keenly clairvoyant insight with reporters on the Hill this past January 25th, spewing, “The Soldier of Fortune game, which I’d not seen before, is a brutally violent game—a sadistically violent game… Not only are people being killed, but they’re being continuously shot at even after they’re obviously dead and are being dismembered.”
Too cool, dude! Das Liebmeister’s just sold another 100,000 copies of S.O.F. with that Madison Avenue-worthy ad. Way ta save the kiddies from being cyber-corrupted, Joe Bob!
And in speaking for the children, Lieber-Man piously counseled (obviously relying on years of psychiatric couch-time dealing with the trauma of having his head shoved so far up his own ass), “My experience—unscientific—these games numb them to the consequences of violence, and to the violence.”
Oh, wait a minute… I get it! It’s kind of like Americans being desensitized to congresscritters trashing the Constitution every time they pass a law meant to save us from ourselves. Oh, well. I guess that if you have to spend every waking moment thinking for other people (because they obviously can’t be trusted to think for themselves), eventually, you’ll not only accept a surgically implanted airbag on your forehead, you’ll friggin’ demand it!
Of course, no Capitol Hill press conference would be complete without the ubiquitous codeword du jour. Gee, boys and girls, can you find the secret codeword in the following direct quote?
“This is all about responsibility,” stressed Lieberscam. “We can’t, under our Constitution, thank God, stop people from making stuff like this. We’d like to urge them not to make it.”
Hmmm… Could the codeword du jour be responsibility?
No, but it was a good guess. You see, in Washington, “responsibility” is a word that only applies to thee and me. The powers that be in D.C. don’t have to accept anything so peasant-like a liability as responsibility.
Could it be Constitution?
No, silly rabbit! That’s not even a real word to such godlike potentates as Joe Lieberman! The once revered and respected word “Constitution” is merely a space-filling proper noun in Washington; much like: “Pontiac”, “Reebok” or “AssMaster” — but with 99.27% less consumer awareness.
No, my friends, the correct answer for the codeword du jour is: “urge”
“Urge” is a very special codeword in Washington; a word that means something entirely different from what you or I may interpret its meaning to be.
Whenever he helped her fill out her W-2, Phil would urge his girlfriend to fib a little on the number of her dependents by including both her Airedales and her two cats.
Now, let’s put it into a “Washington-specific” context:
Having seen an exaggerated number of dependents on a random W-2 form, Janet Reno instructed Treasury agents to urge Phil’s girlfriend to reconsider her tax options; turning her doggies into warm, toasty, shed-free house slippers and microwaving her kitties in the process.
See? Could you spot the subtle differences between the Mainstreet and Washington versions? I can see the newspaper copy now…
Reuters/AP-UPI – Reeling from a lack of stinking rich consumers who could pay the extra 100% Lieberman Federal Excise Tax on so-called “brutally violent” (as opposed to pleasantly violent) videogames imposed at the behest of the Connecticut Senator, several U.S. game-makers were overheard to be pleased at being urged into Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.
“I can’t say we’re delighted to have our families filing for Welfare and Food Stamps,” said Vince Desi of Running With Scissors’ POSTAL game fame, “but we gladly bow our heads every night to thank God we have responsible men like Senator Lieberman to ensure that our Constitutional rights aren’t infringed.”
Oh, yeah… Thanks to you, I’ve got an extra special urge now, Joe.
I think I’ll go play a nice, soothing game of POSTAL. Hell,
Joe, I feel so free-spirited about my Constitutional rights being preserved
by swell guys like you, I might not even have to use my computer to play!
“Don’t tease me… You know what I do for a living.”
— John Cusack in Grosse Pointe Blank