Your Federally Stolen Earnings: What Ford AIN’T Powered By


Two different AAD (“American Automotive Debacle”) postings on two different listserves in one day inspired more than a short response on the part of yours truly, so I figured I’d share ‘em on this sad and lonely blog.


> The emotional part of me still hates Ford for their “it’s my mountain” ad campaign of a bunch of years ago.

Oh, well… At least you weren’t forced to pay to make it “your” mountain.

Not to worry, though. Lord Barry owns the UAW outright, so I’m sure it won’t be long until Ford dies on the now profitable comeback trail, too.

The Chinese are absolutely desperate to buy Ford (now the world’s FOURTH largest manufacturer, behind Guv’ment Motors, Toyota and the Hyundai Motor Group (which includes Kia) because Ford is the only American auto manufacturer NOT owned by the Fed — meaning they’re the only one worth purchasing. It was rather doubtful the deal would include Volvo from the start (especially since Ford sold Volvo to the Chinese to raise desperately needed capital), but it sure as hell would encompass Mazda. It’s even been rumored that Ford would sell the Mercury name (a very limited model line) to the Chinese, as that particular line has been exclusively considered “woman’s market” for over a decade, and women tend to not follow the “who owns what?” trends in their buying decisions. Lincoln’s fate, however, may not be so grim, as Ford has made it known to the automotive press that Lincoln is currently shifting to position itself as the ONLY American luxury line not part of the fascist monopolies in Michigan and Italy.

Still, I believe I am more saddened by the loss of the American auto industry than I am about any other single facet of our having become a fascist nation. To think that, just a few short years ago, we had once again become the world standard bearer in quality and product diversity, and now… And now they’re considered a leper colony with quality products known to but a fraction of the dirt-eating-stupid American consumer. The funniest inside joke (aka: “Fuck you!”) in automotive advertising of late is the Ford Taurus SHO ads where the announcer actually pronounces it the “Ford SHOW” rather than the individual letters “S” “H” “O” — standing for “Super High Output” back in the ’80s when the 5-speed manual, 220 horse, Yamaha-built DOHC V-6 Taurus SHO was actually FASTER (not quicker, but nearly 20mph FASTER due to its slipperier body shape) than a Mustang GT. Insiders always used to refer to the SHO as the “Show” but it was NEVER referred to that way in any verbal advertising. Now it would seem Ford is selling their new 355hp/26mpg sedan to HONEST-TO-GOODNESS REAL CAR PEOPLE rather than mass marketing it to Camry-buying dullards.

Oh, well…

…It’s good to know all of our RWD Cadillacs are still Opels, our Malibus and comparable Buicks are still Vauxhalls, and all our shitbox-sized Chevy Whatevers are still Suzukis; so be proud to be an American who owns every last one of these fine, fine AMERICAN cars! I mean, at least you didn’t buy that wanna-be American military vehicle known as the Hummer, because the Communist Chinese are now building them for Moms, Pops and our Fighting Men and Women sent into harm’s way going up against RPG-7s…

…built by those same Communist Chinese and then sold to the West’s OTHER mortal enemies.

Just don’t get me started on Chrysler’s unique take on re-fighting WW-II with their Italian owned German sedans powered by Japanese engines reforming the Triple Axis on four wheels — sold in large part to inbred Republican morons screaming “Buy American!” in a state where they elected an Austrian governor.

I’m certain Rod Serling is glad he’s dead so he doesn’t have to attempt to air something that keeps being rewritten by our goddamned government every single day.


Then came this exchange that chose a curious metaphor to describe a restaurant critique that started out comparing Kias to Aston-Martins and concluded as follows:

> But comparing it to Yoshimatsu or Bob Dobbs or any one of a zillion casual barbecue joints (or the Miller’s Pub on Wabash or the Ferris Wheel on State Street, for the fellow ex-Chicagoans on the list!) is fair, as fair as criticizing a Kia for not being a Hyundai.

Honest, I do get the joke, but this thread has magically provided me with the latest happy-fun-time opportunity to explain why 99.9779052% of Americans should not be allowed to even look at an automobile, much less purchase one.

It’s reason why they ran out to buy a Toyota Matrix, because they absolutely knew a Toyota is way better than any American car…

…Like, say, a Pontiac Vibe that cost around $1700.00 less.

Of course, when there still was a Pontiac, Pontiac built the Toyota Matrix — in Canada — alongside the identical Vibe, as the last vestige of the GM/Toyota product development partnership dating back to the ’80s known as NUMMI.

Oh, yeah, and I sincerely agree it wouldn’t be perfectly fair to criticize a Kia for not being an Aston-Martin — or a Hyundai…

…Well, were Kia not recently “re-majority” owned by Hyundai, that is.

Auf wiedersehen,

PS: And I don’t care if he went up against the Church of Scientology (of which he was a former member). I still want “Sham-Wow Vince” to die a truly horrible death for being annoying.
PPS: I do realize a lot of you are thinking the same thing about me at this very moment.
PPPS: I also realize an even greater number are actually mumbling (in your best Gary Cooper), “But I don’t think of you.”
PPPPS: Also, until recently, Ford owned Aston-Martin (and actually made them functioning automobiles again, as they did with Jaguar), but they sold A-M off (as they did with Jag and Land Rover) to avoid becoming insolvent (you know, like the Free Market normally dictated before America became utterly ecstatic with fascism), retaining only Mazda and Volvo as their joint development overseas’ marques after the big cash quest.
PPPPPS: And, finally, as long as we’re talking non-Guv’ment Motors, the shit box Ford Aspire (known to automotive writers as the Ford “Perspire” due to its inability to match freeway speeds when merging from an on ramp) was, in fact, built by Kia…

…back when Ford owned Kia.